Blurry Life Has to find Happiness

Why life can be so blurrrrrr.
What makes me stand is because other people also struggle. I will stand. I have to.
Every smiles have story.
I can find happiness or passion in every minutes in my life. I have to. I keep on doing it. Happiness in everything.

Still Lost?

Yes, I guess. I cannot find the happiness I'm looking for. I don't think no one hold my hand and get me into a better light. My family support me whatever I choose, but it doesn't mean I scream for help to them. Let me handle my own tears or heavy things behind my back probably. Over thinking is my talent.

I always keep myself on the track and serious. Afraid of taking other bigger challenge. I took challenges, but it is not bigger enough. What bigger I'm not sure. Does it mean other country or responsibily or else? I'm not alone, but I'm alone. I'm alone figuring out my future like everybody, but it clogged up with many things.

How to calm me down? Just let me cry. The problem is... Now I can't cry easily. I guess my feeling is plain. Right? I am too too too tough and it is not good for my mental. I start to realize that when colleagues in my division got dismissed. The others are crying and am not. In my tooooo positive mind, it said "if it's the right thing, why should I cry? That's stupid. They given money and it is like God light up their new way. Why should they angry and we cry?"

Back. Somehow I guess I prepare unuseful things too much. I am unuseful. I need some direction. I need a light. I need a tap on my back as a support. I need to cry. I need a gown up talk. I need great guy. I need God pull me to the way he meant to me directly. At least someone helps me, because something shrinks my brain.

I am tired of things that doesn't happen yet.

Foggy Hope

I have never imagine that life could be this hard. I thought as long as I have complete body, positive thinking, and partner, life can be so simple and enjoyed.

Yes, my relationship is totally okay, but the things behind are difficult to say. I thought I am fine and happy enough having a good job, happy relationship, humble life, and so on. Last night, I realized I have nothing. Literally or not, I have nothing. I am lost, stress, and shaking. Simple marriage life I picture is slowly blurred. Simple matrimony is run far from my back. Simple yet complicated happiness is difficult to reach.

My heart says I have to find something to light my life again and my brain says it is possible, but it is not easy, even it is a scary thing for me. Cry only heals for a while, but trying hard is the best way. Easy to say my last sentence, but I know, doing it is way more difficult.

I have to prepare myself that I should start from the beginning. Start ferm the very first. I know it is not familiar for me, but I have to survive, right? If I give up, I will die useless. Life is full of surprise and this one is hunting me and I just keep my head up and my heart beat.

Oh I know, social media distracts my view. Why? It has beautiful things from everyone's life that makes me look at their happiness, not mine. I should tell myself that I am poor, but I'm happy enough and it gets more difficult when I'm in PMS and still need someone to support me :)

Got A New One, Forget the Old Life's People

Still discuss why people come and go.
When I was in the elementary school and then in the junior high. I/ we still said hello to the old friends using phone or text, because we were in different schools. After that, one by one got new friends, different life style, or just met their new soul mate, then we rarely contacted each other. In senior high we were getting more rarely thinking about each other, we also had new friends and life.
I started thinking why this is happen? I still miss them. but my prestige say no, because I was too afraid that they won't reply my hello anymore. Well, some of them did.

In college, I started to prepare myself that it would happen again. Face it, some of them did and I became more hard and cool with that. The best part is, when I care too much, I remember that I have people who still need and love me. So, I don't really bother about that anymore. I also don't consider them as my enemy. Maybe we just don't click so much. That's all.

Then, people change, because we understand the situation. We don't mad at each other because there's nothing we can do about change to be more mature.

I was rude and say it straight to the point. Now, I know it's better to be softer. There's no use for me to slap someone with their past. lame.

Because.. People change, baby..

People who knew you better will accept you whoever you are. I do that. I hate no one, but trust just some of them. That's it! So, please..enjoy Christmas, your life, don't bother enemies. There's no enemies.

People Come and Go, Dear..

How are you people who went out of my life? You're just in different role of my life now. You were close to me and my best friends too, but you choose to disappear from me. I can understand. There must be some reason that can make you do something like that.
Our past problems, my freak and weird character or attitude, afraid that you'll bother my relationship, i'm not as rich as you, you have your own world, don't like my attitude, and many more.
People like you, and some dislike you. I totally understand. I won't try hard to make them love me. it's their right. We're just pathetic human, anyway..

Then they who love me always here to support me. So, why should I bothered people who get out of my life. Sad at first, but yes.. people come and go. Maybe I come and go too in somebody else's life. Maybe we'll meet one day and become friend again.

Glad you leave me usually when I know I have my best people. I won't feel lonely. People may hate me. They may like me after they understand me. Everybody's changing. You'll be surprised.
I experienced it, so maybe it is my reason being so insecure. I always put up a shield between me and people. It is hard to be so close with someone for me. I rarely trust someone, that's why people think that I'm rude, cynical, and ignorant. But when I care, I care too much, sometime being so over protective.

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live (Grenade - Bruno Mars)

Pray

I'm in PMS for your info. Usually when I'm in PMS, I feel sensitive.

When I was a kid, I usually pray basic prayers (I'm Catholic, so one of them is Our Father). I don't know what kind of prayer that I should pray to God. I don't know about His favorite pray.
Now I have a lot of things to pray, usually I ask so many things.
Whatever your religion is, I'm sure you ask so many things. I think, if we don't ask, God already gave the best to you. It's just, me myself love to say it in detail, including the names. Say my pray in detail also remind me how God already gave it to me and it's like a big check for me. I rarely pray for myself. Someone says,

Let people pray for you, and you pray for another too, because when you pray for them, you'll get heaven

Yes, when I pray for them, I feel my own peace. I'm not worry about my own problems.

I have a prayer that almost never stop. Prayer for my beloved ones. Sounds naive, but yes I always do that. Sometimes the prayers brings tears, because I feel soooo thankful that I have a chance to feel love like this. Everything is not perfect, but it seems lovely for me. I cry, because it's a beautiful gift to me. I pray it everyday, only missed 3 or 4 times, and it's been almost 4 years. If the end we won't be together, that's okay even it's hurtful. That's okay, because the prayer won't let us down.

I always ask God that my parents and family get better health and peace than me.. I hope my parents healthier than me. I just want them to be happier than me too. Simple prayer.