I have never imagine that life could be this hard. I thought as long as I have complete body, positive thinking, and partner, life can be so simple and enjoyed.
Yes, my relationship is totally okay, but the things behind are difficult to say. I thought I am fine and happy enough having a good job, happy relationship, humble life, and so on. Last night, I realized I have nothing. Literally or not, I have nothing. I am lost, stress, and shaking. Simple marriage life I picture is slowly blurred. Simple matrimony is run far from my back. Simple yet complicated happiness is difficult to reach.
My heart says I have to find something to light my life again and my brain says it is possible, but it is not easy, even it is a scary thing for me. Cry only heals for a while, but trying hard is the best way. Easy to say my last sentence, but I know, doing it is way more difficult.
I have to prepare myself that I should start from the beginning. Start ferm the very first. I know it is not familiar for me, but I have to survive, right? If I give up, I will die useless. Life is full of surprise and this one is hunting me and I just keep my head up and my heart beat.
Oh I know, social media distracts my view. Why? It has beautiful things from everyone's life that makes me look at their happiness, not mine. I should tell myself that I am poor, but I'm happy enough and it gets more difficult when I'm in PMS and still need someone to support me :)
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Got A New One, Forget the Old Life's People
Still discuss why people come and go.
When I was in the elementary school and then in the junior high. I/ we still said hello to the old friends using phone or text, because we were in different schools. After that, one by one got new friends, different life style, or just met their new soul mate, then we rarely contacted each other. In senior high we were getting more rarely thinking about each other, we also had new friends and life.
I started thinking why this is happen? I still miss them. but my prestige say no, because I was too afraid that they won't reply my hello anymore. Well, some of them did.
In college, I started to prepare myself that it would happen again. Face it, some of them did and I became more hard and cool with that. The best part is, when I care too much, I remember that I have people who still need and love me. So, I don't really bother about that anymore. I also don't consider them as my enemy. Maybe we just don't click so much. That's all.
Then, people change, because we understand the situation. We don't mad at each other because there's nothing we can do about change to be more mature.
I was rude and say it straight to the point. Now, I know it's better to be softer. There's no use for me to slap someone with their past. lame.
When I was in the elementary school and then in the junior high. I/ we still said hello to the old friends using phone or text, because we were in different schools. After that, one by one got new friends, different life style, or just met their new soul mate, then we rarely contacted each other. In senior high we were getting more rarely thinking about each other, we also had new friends and life.
I started thinking why this is happen? I still miss them. but my prestige say no, because I was too afraid that they won't reply my hello anymore. Well, some of them did.
In college, I started to prepare myself that it would happen again. Face it, some of them did and I became more hard and cool with that. The best part is, when I care too much, I remember that I have people who still need and love me. So, I don't really bother about that anymore. I also don't consider them as my enemy. Maybe we just don't click so much. That's all.
Then, people change, because we understand the situation. We don't mad at each other because there's nothing we can do about change to be more mature.
I was rude and say it straight to the point. Now, I know it's better to be softer. There's no use for me to slap someone with their past. lame.
Because.. People change, baby..
People who knew you better will accept you whoever you are. I do that. I hate no one, but trust just some of them. That's it! So, please..enjoy Christmas, your life, don't bother enemies. There's no enemies.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
People Come and Go, Dear..
How are you people who went out of my life? You're just in different role of my life now. You were close to me and my best friends too, but you choose to disappear from me. I can understand. There must be some reason that can make you do something like that.
Our past problems, my freak and weird character or attitude, afraid that you'll bother my relationship, i'm not as rich as you, you have your own world, don't like my attitude, and many more.
People like you, and some dislike you. I totally understand. I won't try hard to make them love me. it's their right. We're just pathetic human, anyway..
Then they who love me always here to support me. So, why should I bothered people who get out of my life. Sad at first, but yes.. people come and go. Maybe I come and go too in somebody else's life. Maybe we'll meet one day and become friend again.
Glad you leave me usually when I know I have my best people. I won't feel lonely. People may hate me. They may like me after they understand me. Everybody's changing. You'll be surprised.
I experienced it, so maybe it is my reason being so insecure. I always put up a shield between me and people. It is hard to be so close with someone for me. I rarely trust someone, that's why people think that I'm rude, cynical, and ignorant. But when I care, I care too much, sometime being so over protective.
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live (Grenade - Bruno Mars)
Our past problems, my freak and weird character or attitude, afraid that you'll bother my relationship, i'm not as rich as you, you have your own world, don't like my attitude, and many more.
People like you, and some dislike you. I totally understand. I won't try hard to make them love me. it's their right. We're just pathetic human, anyway..
Then they who love me always here to support me. So, why should I bothered people who get out of my life. Sad at first, but yes.. people come and go. Maybe I come and go too in somebody else's life. Maybe we'll meet one day and become friend again.
Glad you leave me usually when I know I have my best people. I won't feel lonely. People may hate me. They may like me after they understand me. Everybody's changing. You'll be surprised.
I experienced it, so maybe it is my reason being so insecure. I always put up a shield between me and people. It is hard to be so close with someone for me. I rarely trust someone, that's why people think that I'm rude, cynical, and ignorant. But when I care, I care too much, sometime being so over protective.
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live (Grenade - Bruno Mars)
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Pray
I'm in PMS for your info. Usually when I'm in PMS, I feel sensitive.
When I was a kid, I usually pray basic prayers (I'm Catholic, so one of them is Our Father). I don't know what kind of prayer that I should pray to God. I don't know about His favorite pray.
Now I have a lot of things to pray, usually I ask so many things.
Whatever your religion is, I'm sure you ask so many things. I think, if we don't ask, God already gave the best to you. It's just, me myself love to say it in detail, including the names. Say my pray in detail also remind me how God already gave it to me and it's like a big check for me. I rarely pray for myself. Someone says,
I have a prayer that almost never stop. Prayer for my beloved ones. Sounds naive, but yes I always do that. Sometimes the prayers brings tears, because I feel soooo thankful that I have a chance to feel love like this. Everything is not perfect, but it seems lovely for me. I cry, because it's a beautiful gift to me. I pray it everyday, only missed 3 or 4 times, and it's been almost 4 years. If the end we won't be together, that's okay even it's hurtful. That's okay, because the prayer won't let us down.
I always ask God that my parents and family get better health and peace than me.. I hope my parents healthier than me. I just want them to be happier than me too. Simple prayer.
When I was a kid, I usually pray basic prayers (I'm Catholic, so one of them is Our Father). I don't know what kind of prayer that I should pray to God. I don't know about His favorite pray.
Now I have a lot of things to pray, usually I ask so many things.
Whatever your religion is, I'm sure you ask so many things. I think, if we don't ask, God already gave the best to you. It's just, me myself love to say it in detail, including the names. Say my pray in detail also remind me how God already gave it to me and it's like a big check for me. I rarely pray for myself. Someone says,
Let people pray for you, and you pray for another too, because when you pray for them, you'll get heavenYes, when I pray for them, I feel my own peace. I'm not worry about my own problems.
I have a prayer that almost never stop. Prayer for my beloved ones. Sounds naive, but yes I always do that. Sometimes the prayers brings tears, because I feel soooo thankful that I have a chance to feel love like this. Everything is not perfect, but it seems lovely for me. I cry, because it's a beautiful gift to me. I pray it everyday, only missed 3 or 4 times, and it's been almost 4 years. If the end we won't be together, that's okay even it's hurtful. That's okay, because the prayer won't let us down.
I always ask God that my parents and family get better health and peace than me.. I hope my parents healthier than me. I just want them to be happier than me too. Simple prayer.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Happiness Poetically
I'm not a person who's quite poetic. I just like to write what I want like this. Childishly, emotionally, and usually my saying and writing are not understandable. Maybe my brain has dyslexia.
Most of the time I talk with myself in my very tiny heart. I argue and discuss things with my mind.
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
I feel that lyric now, but I'm not stuck, this is the way I chose. I'm not waiting, this is my path. God is not late, He already poured me happiness. Maybe they have to change their life to feel happy.
I hope happiness is as easy as licking Vanilla ice cream. Happiness is looking for something good in every path you chose. So, it's not like I don't like adventure (I'm not an adventurer), I am a thinker.
I still automatically compare myself to somebody else's life which is quite depressing. Complicated is when you judge someone's life is perfect or not, but actually you're not in their shoes. Or. Thinking that your life is the most perfect or miserable life, while you don't see somebody else's life deeply. So, I just be grateful for who I am.
It doesn't mean life is easy for me and I did nothing to get something. I just try to be calmer than my parents. Ya, maybe I'm a little bit too slow than you, but I have my own dream. I'm proud of you that you can make yours comes true. Mine still in a process.
My happiness is not as poetic as yours, but it's not that simple either. Well, we struggle for the same thing. but in different way, time, and place. When you read this, make sure that you and I are happy in different place, time, and way.
Most of the time I talk with myself in my very tiny heart. I argue and discuss things with my mind.
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
I feel that lyric now, but I'm not stuck, this is the way I chose. I'm not waiting, this is my path. God is not late, He already poured me happiness. Maybe they have to change their life to feel happy.
I hope happiness is as easy as licking Vanilla ice cream. Happiness is looking for something good in every path you chose. So, it's not like I don't like adventure (I'm not an adventurer), I am a thinker.
I still automatically compare myself to somebody else's life which is quite depressing. Complicated is when you judge someone's life is perfect or not, but actually you're not in their shoes. Or. Thinking that your life is the most perfect or miserable life, while you don't see somebody else's life deeply. So, I just be grateful for who I am.
It doesn't mean life is easy for me and I did nothing to get something. I just try to be calmer than my parents. Ya, maybe I'm a little bit too slow than you, but I have my own dream. I'm proud of you that you can make yours comes true. Mine still in a process.
My happiness is not as poetic as yours, but it's not that simple either. Well, we struggle for the same thing. but in different way, time, and place. When you read this, make sure that you and I are happy in different place, time, and way.
Monday, September 16, 2013
24 From Friends, Aunties, and Cousins
 |
| Mey, me, and Yaya. minus sissy :'( |
So happy that I can celebrate my birthday (eventhough we pay our own food, sorry guys). So I took metromini twice from home, and then I took Kopaja 19 and asked the man beside me is it the right bus to Ratu Plaza. He said yes and asked me am I going to hang out or looking for a job. I said, hang out. I was wearing blue stripped tanktop, long brown cardigan, jeans, and converse backpack. Am I look like Dora the Explorer or what?! Then it was almost arrived at Ratu Plaza overpass. The man beside me said I better stop right beside the overpass. I said, yeah sure, that's what I'm going to do. Finally he said, be careful.. Okay in English it means usual, he really care.. But I'm in Jakarta and he is Indonesian (I think his age is the same as mine, or around25-28). So it sounds "Hati-hati ya.." It sounds awkward, I feel like a little girl escaped from my house and played alone. Well, thank you Mr. Who.
I met my friend, Mey/Meilisa and go to Plaza Senayan from behind Ratu Plaza, and finally to Senayan City. We were waiting for Yaya who just arrived from Singapore to Soekarno-Hatta Airport an hour ago. SHe brought us chocolate and gave me a Bioderma Sensibio H2O (such a perfect toner fragance free). I felt a little bit uncomfortable with my childish-so-what outfit, while people there wore formal (maybe because most of them just from their office or something). Well, this is my day, so what. We went straight to Sushi Tei and I got a birthday cake free. The birthday cake was 4little sushi, some salmons, tobiko, and a candle. Plus a birthday song from the chef (He came from the kitchen).
After finish our dinner we went to Starbucks and sat, so that we could have a chitchat a little longer. Mey was too sleepy, because he came right after work, so it's better she went home. Not long after Mey went home, my boo came with a friend and we (Yaya, me, boo, and Teguh) talked randomly about so many things. Finally I was afraid to go home, because I didn't remember the way home, even if I use a cab/taxi. So, I sleepover in Yaya's house in Puri Cinere, and went home tomorrow's night with boo took me home with his fiend's motorcycle.
Well, we met at Citos/ Cilandak Town Square and he just drink cheap wine and a little bit dizzy. Sucks. We ate burgers and went home safely (after I was terrified by the way he drove and also with another transportation. creepy!)
 |
| Me and my young cousins. |
Far from home doesn't mean I feel lonely :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
