Blurry Life Has to find Happiness

Why life can be so blurrrrrr.
What makes me stand is because other people also struggle. I will stand. I have to.
Every smiles have story.
I can find happiness or passion in every minutes in my life. I have to. I keep on doing it. Happiness in everything.

Still Lost?

Yes, I guess. I cannot find the happiness I'm looking for. I don't think no one hold my hand and get me into a better light. My family support me whatever I choose, but it doesn't mean I scream for help to them. Let me handle my own tears or heavy things behind my back probably. Over thinking is my talent.

I always keep myself on the track and serious. Afraid of taking other bigger challenge. I took challenges, but it is not bigger enough. What bigger I'm not sure. Does it mean other country or responsibily or else? I'm not alone, but I'm alone. I'm alone figuring out my future like everybody, but it clogged up with many things.

How to calm me down? Just let me cry. The problem is... Now I can't cry easily. I guess my feeling is plain. Right? I am too too too tough and it is not good for my mental. I start to realize that when colleagues in my division got dismissed. The others are crying and am not. In my tooooo positive mind, it said "if it's the right thing, why should I cry? That's stupid. They given money and it is like God light up their new way. Why should they angry and we cry?"

Back. Somehow I guess I prepare unuseful things too much. I am unuseful. I need some direction. I need a light. I need a tap on my back as a support. I need to cry. I need a gown up talk. I need great guy. I need God pull me to the way he meant to me directly. At least someone helps me, because something shrinks my brain.

I am tired of things that doesn't happen yet.

Foggy Hope

I have never imagine that life could be this hard. I thought as long as I have complete body, positive thinking, and partner, life can be so simple and enjoyed.

Yes, my relationship is totally okay, but the things behind are difficult to say. I thought I am fine and happy enough having a good job, happy relationship, humble life, and so on. Last night, I realized I have nothing. Literally or not, I have nothing. I am lost, stress, and shaking. Simple marriage life I picture is slowly blurred. Simple matrimony is run far from my back. Simple yet complicated happiness is difficult to reach.

My heart says I have to find something to light my life again and my brain says it is possible, but it is not easy, even it is a scary thing for me. Cry only heals for a while, but trying hard is the best way. Easy to say my last sentence, but I know, doing it is way more difficult.

I have to prepare myself that I should start from the beginning. Start ferm the very first. I know it is not familiar for me, but I have to survive, right? If I give up, I will die useless. Life is full of surprise and this one is hunting me and I just keep my head up and my heart beat.

Oh I know, social media distracts my view. Why? It has beautiful things from everyone's life that makes me look at their happiness, not mine. I should tell myself that I am poor, but I'm happy enough and it gets more difficult when I'm in PMS and still need someone to support me :)

Got A New One, Forget the Old Life's People

Still discuss why people come and go.
When I was in the elementary school and then in the junior high. I/ we still said hello to the old friends using phone or text, because we were in different schools. After that, one by one got new friends, different life style, or just met their new soul mate, then we rarely contacted each other. In senior high we were getting more rarely thinking about each other, we also had new friends and life.
I started thinking why this is happen? I still miss them. but my prestige say no, because I was too afraid that they won't reply my hello anymore. Well, some of them did.

In college, I started to prepare myself that it would happen again. Face it, some of them did and I became more hard and cool with that. The best part is, when I care too much, I remember that I have people who still need and love me. So, I don't really bother about that anymore. I also don't consider them as my enemy. Maybe we just don't click so much. That's all.

Then, people change, because we understand the situation. We don't mad at each other because there's nothing we can do about change to be more mature.

I was rude and say it straight to the point. Now, I know it's better to be softer. There's no use for me to slap someone with their past. lame.

Because.. People change, baby..

People who knew you better will accept you whoever you are. I do that. I hate no one, but trust just some of them. That's it! So, please..enjoy Christmas, your life, don't bother enemies. There's no enemies.

People Come and Go, Dear..

How are you people who went out of my life? You're just in different role of my life now. You were close to me and my best friends too, but you choose to disappear from me. I can understand. There must be some reason that can make you do something like that.
Our past problems, my freak and weird character or attitude, afraid that you'll bother my relationship, i'm not as rich as you, you have your own world, don't like my attitude, and many more.
People like you, and some dislike you. I totally understand. I won't try hard to make them love me. it's their right. We're just pathetic human, anyway..

Then they who love me always here to support me. So, why should I bothered people who get out of my life. Sad at first, but yes.. people come and go. Maybe I come and go too in somebody else's life. Maybe we'll meet one day and become friend again.

Glad you leave me usually when I know I have my best people. I won't feel lonely. People may hate me. They may like me after they understand me. Everybody's changing. You'll be surprised.
I experienced it, so maybe it is my reason being so insecure. I always put up a shield between me and people. It is hard to be so close with someone for me. I rarely trust someone, that's why people think that I'm rude, cynical, and ignorant. But when I care, I care too much, sometime being so over protective.

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live (Grenade - Bruno Mars)

Pray

I'm in PMS for your info. Usually when I'm in PMS, I feel sensitive.

When I was a kid, I usually pray basic prayers (I'm Catholic, so one of them is Our Father). I don't know what kind of prayer that I should pray to God. I don't know about His favorite pray.
Now I have a lot of things to pray, usually I ask so many things.
Whatever your religion is, I'm sure you ask so many things. I think, if we don't ask, God already gave the best to you. It's just, me myself love to say it in detail, including the names. Say my pray in detail also remind me how God already gave it to me and it's like a big check for me. I rarely pray for myself. Someone says,

Let people pray for you, and you pray for another too, because when you pray for them, you'll get heaven

Yes, when I pray for them, I feel my own peace. I'm not worry about my own problems.

I have a prayer that almost never stop. Prayer for my beloved ones. Sounds naive, but yes I always do that. Sometimes the prayers brings tears, because I feel soooo thankful that I have a chance to feel love like this. Everything is not perfect, but it seems lovely for me. I cry, because it's a beautiful gift to me. I pray it everyday, only missed 3 or 4 times, and it's been almost 4 years. If the end we won't be together, that's okay even it's hurtful. That's okay, because the prayer won't let us down.

I always ask God that my parents and family get better health and peace than me.. I hope my parents healthier than me. I just want them to be happier than me too. Simple prayer.

Happiness Poetically

I'm not a person who's quite poetic. I just like to write what I want like this. Childishly, emotionally, and usually my saying and writing are not understandable. Maybe my brain has dyslexia.
Most of the time I talk with myself in my very tiny heart. I argue and discuss things with my mind.
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

I feel that lyric now, but I'm not stuck, this is the way I chose. I'm not waiting, this is my path. God is not late, He already poured me happiness. Maybe they have to change their life to feel happy.
I hope happiness is as easy as licking Vanilla ice cream. Happiness is looking for something good in every path you chose. So, it's not like I don't like adventure (I'm not an adventurer), I am a thinker.

I still automatically compare myself to somebody else's life which is quite depressing. Complicated is when you judge someone's life is perfect or not, but actually you're not in their shoes. Or. Thinking that your life is the most perfect or miserable life, while you don't see somebody else's life deeply. So, I just be grateful for who I am.

It doesn't mean life is easy for me and I did nothing to get something. I just try to be calmer than my parents. Ya, maybe I'm a little bit too slow than you, but I have my own dream. I'm proud of you that you can make yours comes true. Mine still in a process.

My happiness is not as poetic as yours, but it's not that simple either. Well, we struggle for the same thing. but in different way, time, and place. When you read this, make sure that you and I are happy in different place, time, and way.

24 From Friends, Aunties, and Cousins

Mey, me, and Yaya. minus sissy :'(

So happy that I can celebrate my birthday (eventhough we pay our own food, sorry guys). So I took metromini twice from home, and then I took Kopaja 19 and asked the man beside me is it the right bus to Ratu Plaza. He said yes and asked me am I going to hang out or looking for a job. I said, hang out. I was wearing blue stripped tanktop, long brown cardigan, jeans, and converse backpack. Am I look like Dora the Explorer or what?! Then it was almost arrived at Ratu Plaza overpass. The man beside me said I better stop right beside the overpass. I said, yeah sure, that's what I'm going to do. Finally he said, be careful.. Okay in English it means usual, he really care.. But I'm in Jakarta and he is Indonesian (I think his age is the same as mine, or around25-28). So it sounds "Hati-hati ya.." It sounds awkward, I feel like a little girl escaped from my house and played alone. Well, thank you Mr. Who.

I met my friend, Mey/Meilisa and go to Plaza Senayan from behind Ratu Plaza, and finally to Senayan City. We were waiting for Yaya who just arrived from Singapore to Soekarno-Hatta Airport an hour ago. SHe brought us chocolate and gave me a Bioderma Sensibio H2O (such a perfect toner fragance free). I felt a little bit uncomfortable with my childish-so-what outfit, while people there wore formal (maybe because most of them just from their office or something). Well, this is my day, so what. We went straight to Sushi Tei and I got a birthday cake free. The birthday cake was 4little sushi, some salmons, tobiko, and a candle. Plus a birthday song from the chef (He came from the kitchen).

After finish our dinner we went to Starbucks and sat, so that we could have a chitchat a little longer. Mey was too sleepy, because he came right after work, so it's better she went home. Not long after Mey went home, my boo came with a friend and we (Yaya, me, boo, and Teguh) talked randomly about so many things. Finally I was afraid to go home, because I didn't remember the way home, even if I use a cab/taxi. So, I sleepover in Yaya's house in Puri Cinere, and went home tomorrow's night with boo took me home with his fiend's motorcycle.

Well, we met at Citos/ Cilandak Town Square and he just drink cheap wine and a little bit dizzy. Sucks. We ate burgers and went home safely (after I was terrified by the way he drove and also with another transportation. creepy!)

Me and my young cousins.

The next 2 days later, I went to Sushi Tei in Kokas. My Auntie treated us. I got my birthday cake again :3

Far from home doesn't mean I feel lonely :)

You Can't Always Get What You Want, Girls.. (Relationship)

You want to marry a man with brown skin, but all you got is a light skin man.
He is more mature, have a steady job, you are so click with his family, but you both are so confuse about your different religion. You plan to have 2kids, one is in the same religion with you, the other with the father, but how if God only give you one? You wanna marry in your church, while your mother in law suggest a Catholic church. You both are agree with this different religion and won't make it into problems, but you don't even know how it works. You don't know if the Father is agree or not (in Catholic, it depends on the Father's decision).

You wanna have many experiences in relationship/having boyfriend, but all you got is one for almost 4 years. Sometimes you think you're not brave enough to secede from this relationship and find another fresh relationship. You wanna taste another love, but you just can't resist this one, so you just can't stop no matter how bored you are even though this one is an ignorant. It makes you become so fretful and annoying (even you say to yourself that you become someone you don't wanna be, you become so sucks).

You wanna have a relationship which last forever, husband who can sing or play music, but you meet so many boys who can sing or play music, and you try to find your prince in them. Finally the one who becomes your husband, he can't sing or play music, but he's mature and can take care of you, while those Ex's can't. You always pay yours and your boyfriend's meal, pay his ticket, pay things; because most of them didn't have a steady job, while they follow your lifestyle. Now, you were take care by your fiance.

You wanna have someone you can count on and multitasking, so that he can be a figure of a man and a father you can rely on, can take care of you, but all you got is a boy who still stuck in his own world, clumsy, still learn how to be a man, and ignorant. Yet, the boy is accepting you with your own weakness and wanna try hard to find happiness for close people surrounding him. He always try hard to make you comfortable (try hard to push aside his selfishness, try really hard), while you always complaining and afraid of everything. Sometimes he is wrong, but he always try to make it up.

You wanna be a number one, but all you got is a man (the first child of a family who didn't do anything for his family yet) who loves another thing first and make you almost the last. He used to spoil you, but now you see how close he is with his family. Somehow, you feel left behind. You both are so click, the religion doesn't matter, adaptable in any lifestyle, but you feel hesitate with the family.

You are in love with your boyfriend. You love him so much, and so does he. Religion doesn't matter, he's not handsome, but you feel very comfortable around him. You know he's the one, but not your/his family. It turns out that (your family and his) they are sworn enemies. Maybe it because the race, religion, or other dissent. You might be think your story is the same as Romeo and Juliet's. You and him try harder to past the avalanche. You know people can't choose love, but love chooses you. There must be a reason why you and someone that your family dislike are in love. You believe God gives the best way for you to live. You hope that Romeo and Juliet are be with you now.

Geez.. You can't always get what you want. A friend of mine said that lovers always have a main problem as a basic in love (as long as it doesn't hurt you or him). Sacrifice is needed, but understand each other is a must. I don't always right, but those stories and facts are real. Me myself still confused, sometimes sigh, but I would love to talk about it. We can plan everything, so that we have a standard, but reality doesn't come based on what you want.

*Results of my conversation with a friend who will soon be engaged

Jakarta's Public Transportation: Kopaja

There are a lot of public transportation in Jakarta. Metromini/angkot, Kopaja, TransJakarta, Ojek (motorcycle),  Bemo, etc. I've never been in Bemo, because I think Bemo doesn't appear in all Jakarta.
Me myself, since I worked at Cikini  last August, that was the first time I had to use Kopaja to get to my office. KOPAJA is Koperasi Angkutan Jakarta (Jakarta Transport Cooperative). What I see about Kopaja.. Kopaja is a bus with seats, but a lot of people would stand up in the middle or even near the door (by the way, the door is always open, even when inside the bus is full). It has no air conditioner. We must stand huddled, so others get a place. There's always women with skirt, and I can't imagine how hard she keep her skirt stay neat and polite.

At first I was afraid, because of so many stories about thug or bad people in Kopaja. When I saw so many women fight for their life against crime in Kopaja, I became bold. I mean..
They work everyday and use Kopaja to get to their work place. They are women, with long hair, short hair, with skirt, trousers, make-up, no make-up, backpack, handbag, employee, student, mother, etc.
So, why should I be afraid of it? I love this city full of crime, and they are in the same position like me. When I have to use public transportation, I put my face as if I do not care about surrounding me and pretended to be clever and knew everything( of course at first I ask my friend and cousins about which should I pick to get somewhere and learn from map). They see me as if I did not hesitate and confused.

New Blog!

Guys, I made a new blog called Messy Shelf. It contains my review and opinion about movies and books that I've watched and read. Usually, I just write the good one. Well, so far..
Anyway, the language I use is Indonesian, but sometimes I use English (Just follow my head. Sometimes I forgot the Indonesian or the English of a word).
This blog is not an expert, just something I like. You can find some good movies and books here. Most of all are Horror movies and Children Literature books, because those are the most favorite things for me. Don't go away, because you can find another genre (impossible if I just watch and read those genres).

So please come to my new blog and give comment ^_^
http://messyshelf.blogspot.com/

Dear Buildings

Exhausted, tired, but quite happy!

Today was a long long day!

Last night I ordered Taxi Gamya to go to Balai Kartini (Kompas Karir Fair/ Job fair) in the morning at 7.30. In the morning, I woke up and was busy texting my friend, Citra, to meet in Balai Kartini. In Balai Kartini we were queuing to insert our resume to KKF's data base and exchanged our online ticket. We were queuing about an hour. Yesterday, I was alone queuing and walk fastly from booth to booth. So, yeah..you can imagine. After we did all the procedure, we started to look for a job, we were walking from booth to booth, and applying for jobs that we want in some companies that we really want. We went home by TransJakarta and we strayed, we missed a busway stop, so we had to go back. Thank God, we just had to pay once.

Anyway, Citra and I were not in the same destination. She wanted to go to Cilandak, and I want to meet my special friend, Lando, in Mall Ambassador.

The most exhausted part is.. I walked from ngg..Rasuna (I guess) (Dukuh Atas-Ragunan Busway) to Mall Ambassador. I didn't take any public transportation. I thought I saw the mall from a distance, but then I realize it's another building. Sucks..

If only you knew the mileage,the sunlight, and the temperature. I felt like stranded in the desert.

Then THE HEAVEN was seen! Mall Ambassador. I walked like a sprinter and sit around the Mall's sliding door, waiting for Lando. I texted him, and he said he's on the way. I was so tired and had no water to drink (I lose it in Balai Kartini). After 15minutes or maybe 30, I texted him, and he said he was here, around the mall. I've been looking for him, but then he showed up and I was 'huh?! who are you?' for 3seconds.

"The real HEAVEN is come!"

Old and Still Best Friend

minus Sissy

People need each other to live. You may thought about your beloved; parents, brother or sister, best friend, or usually boyfriend or girlfriend. Parents might be the one who knew everything, but sometime they won't listen because they always think that they are right. Sister and brother? Well, I have a young sister and we talk usually only when we need to. Boyfriend? I still not sure that he's the one who'll be with me 'till the end.

 I love them all, but I need a person who want to hear my story without worrying about he/she will disappear and hate me or will never meet me anymore.

I have forever friends that I absolutely sure, they won't leave me till the end. Just like a husband in marriage (based on my type of a husband -no divorce thing-).

myrs: meilisa,yaya,rani(me),sissy. We don't mean to make a group of special people or something, but we just feel so clique with each other like nothing is hidden. We still make friend with other people, but we still share our lives and take care each other from a distance. We split into Jogja, Bandung, Jakarta, and Singapore.

I feel that our souls become one every time we meet or just sharing stories.

Sound excessive, but that's how I feel

24

I feel too old.
I read requirement for some jobs, and they said the minimum age for applicant is 24.
I saw my friend's husband, and his birthday today is 25. They are happy, young, and have a child.
I'm 23 and done nothing. This years, I'll be 24.
Can you imagine that?!
I plan things and ruined things. If you say I have to go hiking or travelling or get a job which suits my passion... It's easy to say.
The first child of a retirement 65 year's old dad. 65 which is old enough to see her daughter success, married, and hold a grandchild. I waste my days with thinking about my future while my skills are not as good as people and not enough to survive in this world. Thinking about how if I just married an-already-success man? hahaha well, it's not easy too. Nothing is easy and I just can't take everything simple.

If you still can enjoy your life like go overseas just for fun or exchange study and it's okay if you still study even when your age is 25 maybe, you're lucky. If you can enjoy the romantic world; your love take you to romantic places and guide you anywhere you go maybe, you're incredibly lucky. If you can find a job which really into your passion, you're lucky. If you're brave enough to take any job you've found, you're awesome.
I'm not like you, and I don't know if I can be like you. I envy. Really..

I just have to be brave to live my lucky life..
I have best friends, family, and a lover in my limited situation.
24, please be kind.

Little Girl and Curly Hair

Smoothing?

Why should be?

People have to be proud for what they are. If your hair is wavy or curly, you have a fabulous look. Barbie has straight hair and most of girls dream of it. They never realized how pretty they are with their own hair. They just have to treat their hair with good treatment and natural, it is not as expensive as people who have to smoothing their hair once a month. Beside, with a natural treatment, hair looks healthier, shine, and prettier.

Ahh, too bad I didn't take this little girl's photo with her curly hair. Her mom make it into a little bun and it looks fabulous too. She looks sweet.

Baby Goes to School Outfit

My 2 years old niece goes to school with this style.

What do you think?

Malang

After picked up by my cousin and her baby, she took me to Bakso President.

Well, I thought it would be like any meatballs/ bakso that I saw.

The location is pretty unique. We have to across the railroad, because the place is beside the railroad. From the eatery, sometimes we can see train and listening the instrument of the train. In the eatery, there are a lot of photos of famous people who ever eaten here.

After being so amazed with the place, I ordered the meal. I can choose what I want to by come to the food carts. There were bakso (meatball), fried meatball, wanton, dumpling, tofu, muscle meatball (bakso urat), and so on. I was addicted to it! Yumm

I chose bakso, wanton, bakso urat, and tofu.

I will plan to go there if I'm in Malang :9

Graduation

I just graduate my bachelor's education. Thank you..
Those are some of my girl friends. I feel happy for my graduation, but depressed about my career and future. hahahahahaha. I won't regret anything just try to focus on my future. Wish you a good luck Fresh Graduate mate!

You can see my braid bun for my graduation:

Family Time

At first, I felt not so excited with my dad's invitation. I don't really into Indonesian film, but it doesn't mean I hate Indonesian films. I like Hi5teria, 3 Hari untuk Selamanya, Ada Apa Dengan Cinta, Lewat Tengah Malam, Arisan, and so on. But, can you see the title? Finding Srimulat. Srimulat is a vintage one. My dad always watched it when he was young, on theater or television. It reminds him about her early days as a worker, as a poor man too.

In the evening, we all went to the Ambarukmo Plaza, to the Cinema21 to buy tickets. When I saw the seats, I knew it's not a movie that people usually looking for. There were a lot of empty seats. So what? Beside, my father paid for us and I didn't have plan with anyone that day. There was still an hour before the movie begin. So, I just wanted to take a walk, and my sister joinned me. We bought some chocolates and we got back to the cinema and sit with my dad and mom, and we had a chit-chat.

The movie begin with introducing the joke of Srimulat. I thought it was cheesy, but along the movie I laughed, and so with my family and the rest of audience..

I'm quite happy I could laugh with my family and sharing our opinion on the way to our home.
It's not about the movie, but it's about how I spend my time with my parents and sister. Sometimes, being a teenager and adult makes us rarely met with family. It doesn't have to be expensive to enjoy Family Time, we can just cook at home, turn off the television, and sharing stories while we eat on the floor.

: )

The Fact of Puffy

1. When I lived in Jakarta, Puffy always ran so fast outside the house every time he saw the gate's open and I had to run and got some tactics to make him calm and not run when I moved suddenly to take him home.
2. The first time he came to my house, he had fleas, so I was diligently took it from his body, gave him medicine, and clean the curtains-beds-sofas with his medicine.
3. He loves to sleep on the sofa, under the chair, beside our beds.
4. He once caught a big rat. ieewwhhh..
5. He once loved to annoy a cat, but he got scratch from the cat's claws on his nose. silly Puffy..
6. People called him anjing boneka: a puppy doll.
7. He loves chicken satay and orange fruit.
8. We love play peek a book with him, or play be quiet and boo (shocked game).
9. He once made love with a PUPPY.
10. He was a very jealous dog. He always barked when dad holding one of us on his back or when we just hugging. It's funny how he pushed us with his front legs and barking like we didn't suppose to do that without him. hahaha

I love him so much. Now, I think that's the reason when I feel a little bit disagree when someone (who never pet a dog) buy or pet a dog. I'm afraid they'll hurt their dog, they don't know how to pet their dog in a right way. I'm afraid they'll give their dog a chocolate or something dangerous. I'm afraid they do not bathe their dog and their dog becomes weak by fleas and their dreadlocks makes their skin itchy. I'm afraid they usually don't have enough money to pet a dog, because the treatment for a proper care is expensive. I'm afraid to pet a dog is just a trend, not something they do sincerely to make another God's creature happy and healthy. I'm afraid the owner doesn't have enough time for their dog. Dog is a dog, they are friendly, so are we, right?